Currently in the airport in Strasbourg waiting to go back to London. With a massive hunger for exploration. Veins throbbing with creativity.
Sometimes it’s okay to be fed up. It’s okay to wake up in the morning and not want to move. It’s okay to stare at the ceiling searching for something to live for. It’s okay to feel down. It’s okay to lack productivity. It’s okay to feel as if you’re not using your creativity to all its extents. It’s okay to binge. It’s okay to not go to the gym. It’s okay to not want to socialise. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay not to be okay.
I have been putting so much pressure on myself these past months that I barely had any time to do the things I actually love. I was even pressuring myself to write posts while it actually was what I wanted to do, yet didn’t do it because I was forcing myself to do it. I had this idea of the perfect life in my head and whenever something I did didn’t fit my expectations, I would crash. I wanted to live to the fullest yet all I was doing was only creating an image as if I was living happily. When in fact, I wasn’t.
But it’s okay.
I was trying to fill the huge emotional gap inside of me with food. I stopped being vegan for health reasons and lack of facilities and remained vegetarian (and I miss it like crazy.) Which meant that I had more options to binge on. I was eating continously, locked in my room, curtains shut. It got to a point where I honestly felt as if it was helping. But when the guilt hit, I started making resolutions after every binge, even stored my binge food in a friends room.
But it’s okay.
I felt as if spending money on food and shopping was filling something inside of me.
But it’s okay.
Then one day, I woke up.
This is not the way I want to live my life. I shouldn’t rely on anything or anyone to make me happy. Food isn’t the solution. Isolating myself does no good. It’s okay not to be okay, as long as you finally get the courage to stand up and fight for yourself. Even if it means fighting yourself at one point. Even if I have to force that creativity out of me, I will succeed. I won’t keep on making resolutions that I won’t keep. I will just change for myself. I will wake up earlier. I will salute the sun in the mornings and kiss the moon at night. I will feel the rain. I will enjoy the cold weather. I will dream of the ocean and play in the snow. I will be healthy again. I will take my iron supplements. I will even get a blender, for fucks sake. I will draw, maybe not everyday but I will draw. I will write. I will eat salad. But if I want a croissant, who cares? I’ll have it. I will do this. I can do this, and so can you.
As long as you realise that you’re living for yourself, and only yourself, you can do anything and everything you wish to.
It’s your life and it’s okay.
Shall we feel the rain?